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Gen Z's and Toxicity; 5 & 6.

Nov 8, 2024

5 min read

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At Matters of the Heart, we recently conducted a survey to understand why some Gen Z'ers seem drawn to toxicity in relationships. This idea came to light when our writer, Onaefe, stumbled across a clip from one of Nons Miraj’s popular “Pop the Balloon” 10 vs 1 dating shows on YouTube. In the clip, a girl casually remarked that if her boyfriend doesn’t hit her, she doesn’t feel loved, a statement that raised eyebrows and sparked concern. Inspired by this unsettling view, we decided to dig deeper and ask Gen Z'ers about their thoughts on toxicity in relationships.


 I don’t think anyone actually likes toxicity. To me, it’s a sign of being mentally unbalanced. Toxicity can take many forms, and the one involving physical violence is, to me, a form of mental illness. For instance, the girl in that video needs help—why would anyone enjoy being hurt by another person? Psychological manipulation is another kind of toxicity. Though it’s not physical, it deeply messes with your mind.

At Matters of the Heart, we find this observation resonates strongly, especially considering how psychological manipulation often goes unnoticed but leaves deep scars. In our Nigerian context, it’s common to see people endure such behavior, perhaps due to cultural stigma against seeking mental health support. When manipulation is normalized, victims may feel trapped in a cycle, believing this toxicity is just “how relationships are.”


I think those people who enjoy it are addicted to a previous version of the person that actually loved them and now can’t let go, even though that version of the person may be gone forever. They hold on to the hope that those people will come back to loving them again. And some people have only known violence since they were born, so those people tend to only feel happy in a toxic relationship. That’s their normal.

This speaks to a sad truth: sometimes, it’s the memory of past love that holds people captive in a relationship long after it’s turned sour. It’s almost as if they’re in love with a ghost—a version of their partner that no longer exists. The longing for that past version creates a cycle of nostalgia and pain that’s hard to break.

Everyone is toxic in their own way, including you. Even keeping malice is considered toxic to some people.

We at Matters of the Heart, acknowledges that, yes, no one is perfect, and everyone has their moments. But there’s a difference between human flaws and patterns of behavior that chip away at someone’s peace. Nigerian culture, especially through Nollywood, often showcases characters with their own complexities. Even if we’re all imperfect, recognizing harmful patterns in ourselves and others can be the first step toward healthier relationships.



Toxicity is what keeps the relationship going. Let’s be honest. Imagine a relationship where there isn’t any form of toxicity—it’d be boring na.

This view captures the sentiment that relationships without a hint of spice might feel dull. But the excitement derived from drama and toxicity can be like playing with fire. In a balanced relationship, it’s the occasional spark, not constant conflict, that keeps the connection alive. Consider the slap proposal scene in the popular Nollywood Movie  “Ladies Gang” while some see it as entertainment, it highlights how extreme actions are often mistaken for “passion” in Nigerian pop culture. Real passion, however, shouldn’t need to cross into toxicity.

Unfortunately, it’s how society is now; relationship people want their Netflix, and cinematic moments. And when the real shege now comes, they run and leave the relationship.

In an age where relationships are romanticized through movies and social media, it’s easy to crave excitement. But this fascination with high drama often fades when real-life challenges emerge.  We see a challenge here: people need to separate entertainment from reality and avoid turning their love lives into Netflix shows.


People’s upbringing significantly influences their perception of love and relationships. Those who grew up witnessing harsh behavior or disrespect may distrust gentle partners or consider abusive behavior normal. Some might even equate abuse with love, believing that a lack of ‘bitching’ indicates a lack of affection or fidelity.

This insight brings attention to the powerful role upbringing plays in shaping one’s view of love. For some, gentle love feels foreign, while conflict seems like an authentic expression of love. The long-standing acceptance of 'drama' as a sign of love in Nigerian culture can make gentler relationships feel unnatural. But we believe  that with introspection, it’s possible to unlearn these beliefs and redefine what love should feel like.

I honestly find overly lovey-dovey relationships a bit boring and stale. A good relationship needs a balance, but if you constantly find yourself in toxic relationships, it's probably a trauma response - could be something rooted in childhood attachment style issues.
Definitely, the balance has to be there because if it’s all lovey-dovey, it’ll be boring. Like, why you and your babe no go fight or have heated arguments? I mean, after the disagreement, there’d be an apology, then make-up sex.

Even here, the idea is that a bit of tension adds flavor. True, relationships need to be dynamic, and disagreements are natural. But there’s a line between passion and toxicity. The thrill of reconciling after a disagreement is understandable, yet when arguments turn into a toxic cycle, it stops being healthy. We support balance: relationships should be a source of joy, not a battlefield.

I wouldn’t say people ‘like’ or ‘enjoy’ toxicity; I would say people ‘accept’ toxicity in their romantic life because they don’t love themselves enough to say no to the things they don’t like. They begin to see toxicity as normal just to be validated by their spouse.

This response underscores the role self-worth plays in what people tolerate in relationships. If individuals don’t believe they deserve better, they might settle for less, simply to avoid being alone or feeling unworthy.

This echoes the real-life relationship between Annie Idibia and 2Baba, where, despite challenges, Annie has been vocal about her unwavering commitment. Their story, while one of resilience, also reflects the sacrifices people make, sometimes at the expense of their well-being.

In conclusion, the survey reveals the complexity of how Gen Z perceives toxicity in relationships, influenced by pop culture, upbringing, and personal experiences. While some may see it as a necessary thrill, others recognize it as a harmful pattern with deep psychological roots.


Toxicity, however, should never be mistaken for passion or dedication. It’s often a sign of deeper issues that need understanding, empathy, and sometimes professional support.

By bringing these perspectives to light, we hope to encourage healthier relationships that build rather than break down, inspiring a generation to seek love that is genuinely supportive, safe, and mutually respectful.


Stay tuned for our next article, where we dive deeper into the nuanced dynamics of modern love. Let’s keep exploring, learning, and striving for healthier, more fulfilling relationships together.



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